sometimes its a dream

not an experience i can exactly put into words. the poor guys oxygen was making lots of noise, so i failed to notice his lack of respirations. i turned him on his side & emptied his catheter to make him more comfortable. i looked at his chart & realized i should probably count his respirations. at that point i realized… that guy had none. 

i still wasn’t sure though, given that i’ve never seen a dead person that close, so i felt for a pulse. i only felt my heart pounding through my fingers. i placed a hand on his chest to feel him breathe.. nothing. felt his neck - it was cold. somehow i didn’t want to let myself be the one to confirm the death - what if I was imagining it all & he was just having some apnea (wishful thinking). I ran & grabbed a couple nurses, who took one look & knew. 

i guess sometimes we just want people to be the ones to confirm our fears.